Charlotte, NC airport: NOT HELPFUL

Third in a series.

The inside of the bathroom stall, where you have to use your thumbnail to lock the door.

Charlotte, NC airport: HELPFUL

Second in a series.

The DUI station is the bathroom, the only one I've ever seen.

Charlotte, NC airport: not helpful

First in a series.

A non-working flight status screen, and an asshole airport employee who wants to be a rentacop throwing me massive stinkeye for photographing it.

TSA = incompetent asshats

I know, I know: what y'all really want to hear about is my vegan sky club breakfast:
From top left, that's a screwdriver, a half-caf "espresso", and my spork from home in oatmeal with raisins in a compostable, 100% recycled cup. No indication that composting is available in the sky club, nor the amount of post-consumer content in the 100% recycled cup.

But I digress. As the title indicates, I mostly want to rant a little about how incompetent TSA is. Now, my rather dim opinion of TSA is known to readers of this blog. But they really outdid themselves at ATL this morning.

First off, the guy at the xray monitor: totally amateur hour. At least the slow, incompetent guy at Las Vegas the other day was clearly a trainee. This guy was, apparently from his uniform, an actual TSA "agent." I literally stood to wait to push my bags through the belt while he examined the monitor for several full minutes. To the point where I was laughing. To the point where the TSA agent at the metal detector was looking around uncomfortably, knowing this dumbass was holding up the line. To the point where they decided (not uncoincidentally, I think) to shut down the p*nis machine, aka millimeter wave scanner, because they had to dedicate all available agents on that lane to doing secondary screenings the dude on the monitor asked for.

Okay, so I finally get to get through, and stand there and watch while he looks all curious like at the monitor with my one carryon. He tries repeatedly to draw outline boxes with his mouse around the two danger areas: my sunglasses (which I've taken through, ummm, lemme see, EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN FLIGHT I'VE BEEN ON SINCE AT LEAST 2004) and my breakfast wrap. Yep: my tortilla with tempeh, caramelized onions, green beans, garlic, and vegan cheese. This very suspicious looking thing:

Okay, it's wrapped up in tin foil. One sheet. Like, ummm, I dunno, about FIFTY similar wraps I've taken through TSA in the last several years.

Okay, so he pulls the bag over to the secondary screening conveyor. Conveyors do not convey. I stand there for literally about 60 seconds looking at my bag, and finally ask if I can get it screened. The two nasty TSA agents in the next station literally yell at me: ONE AT A TIME! Oh, oops: there is a backup of THREE people needing secondary screening and explosives testing at my lane.

Okay, so I wait another several minutes. My line has... stopped. Nobody is going anywhere.

Finally it's my turn to get screened, and the guy goes through my bag. Asks about the sunglasses. Opens up the case, but not the bag they are in. Okay, fine. Asks about the wrap. "A breakfast wrap", I tell him. Okay, I just need to screen this for explosives. Ummm, sure. He screens it for explosives. AND IT TURNS UP WITH A POSITIVE RESULT.

So now this is getting fun. I actually am about to get the dreaded invasive patdown. They have to go through every single thing in my (rather innocuous, except for a shitload of vegan snacks, and an allegedly explosive breakfast wrap) carryon bag. Which is, incidentally, a Mountainsmith Day Pack which most of you who know me have seen before. No suitcase (I checked it), my liquids all properly compliant with that sillyass 3-1 rule, my laptop out, my shoes off. Oh, but they have to run my shoes again. 'Cause the first time wasn't enough, 'cause my breakfast wrap came up positive for explosives.

So the poor TSA agent at secondary, who I'm actually beginning to feel somewhat bad for, has to launch in a long, detailed explanation of all the places he's going to put his hands on my body. I actually needed a clarification when he got to the point of where his hands will be in my crotch: he mumbled, and I was genuinely interested. (No, he wasn't that cute, I just wanted to know what kind of fun time I was about to have.) He mumbled it again, but now I was pretty sure he'd referred to the top of my crotch as my "isthmus."

An isthmus, for those of you who are wondering, is "a narrow strip of land connecting two larger land areas usually with waterforms on either side." Thanks, wikipedia. Confidential to TSA: you should let your agents read wikipedia at work.

As he was explaining what he was about to do, and I'm openly laughing at the notion that my breakfast wrap tested positive for explosives, he's trying to show me through his body language and tone that he agrees it's kind of silly. He said something to the effect of "just so you know, this isn't my favorite part of the job." Yeah, pal: me, neither.

He has to call a supervisor over, who re-asks me all the same stupid questions he has already asked. Yes, it's a FUCKING BREAKFAST BURRITO. I told them they were welcome to open it up, or I'd be happy to open it up for them. I explained each of the ingredients in it, and started to go into detail about the cooking methods. The supervisor got a little nasty with me, so I asked her if she was hungry, and told her I'd share.

Anyway, the patdown was relatively uneventful. He tickled my armpits a little, and did, indeed, get marginally up into my "isthmus" but didn't actually grope me. And was very consciously and carefully (para)-professional about it. And slooooooooow. The whole fandango took about 15 minutes. Literally.

Yes, friends, that is, along with a pre-flight screwdriver in the Sky Club, why I try to get to the airport at least two hours early. So I have plenty of time to be fondled by TSA, whose stupidass machine says my breakfast wrap has explosive residue on it.

The TSA masseuse actually told me, sincerely, to have a safe flight when he was done. I thanked him. It's sort of not his fault that he works for a BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS.

Fucking idiots. Fucking shitass equipment. Fucking ridiculous security theatre nonsense foolishness.

On now to Philadelphia, for which my flight is delayed due to ground holds. Gonna be a rainy couple of days.

Mmmmmm... vegan donuts

Why eat one, when you can eat a dozen? No, actually, not all these are for me. I'm on my way to a protest and vigil. Seriously.

Vegas

Ahem.

Thinking I might go to Komol tonight. A2, you should be here!

New Bike Day!

J got a new bike yesterday, a Mercier Kilo TT Pro. We need to get a singlespeed rear cog, since the flip-flip ships fixie, and she'll soon be ready to roll. 'Cause J is fierce, but even I don't rock the City of a Hundred Hills fixed.

UPDATE: J is SO DAMN FIERCE that she does, indeed, rock it fixed most of the time.

Too long

Heh. Only a couple of you get the reference in this post's title, but I'll keep it obscure. Simply said, it's been a while since I had a general information post, and I'm sure my loyal readership, all 5.38 of you, need some FOOD PORN!

And actually, check out the labels for this post: it has a little bit to please everyone! (food porn, travel, bikes, fundraising, onions, homebrewing)

It's been busy, but also pleasantly slow-ish (as much as I let myself take things easy, I have.) The fall protest travel season is on the near horizon, and I'm out of town every weekend in October, and at least three in November.

The travel starts with riding in the Wapiyapi Classic in Aspen next weekend, which I'm very excited about. (And which I'll throw out one last pitch for you to please consider donating, as I talked all about in this post.) I'll get invited to a pre-ride party hosted by Lance Armstrong and Anna Hansen if I'm one of the top 10 fundraisers, and currently, thanks mostly to the lovely and generous people who read this blog, I'm #8 9 (but by a thin margin.) Please consider donating: http://www.active.com/donate/wapiyapi2011, and type my name into the boxes at the top next to "Find a fundraiser to support".

Okay, okay, to make this worth your while, how about some images, including FOOD PORN, and ONIONS!

Due to popular reader demand, how 'bout some FOOD PORN, and ONIONS! Conveniently co-located with tofu, which almost deserves its own label on this blog, and featuring a visit by some freshly chopped sage leaves.

File this one under the "J is a genius" category. And not just at her chosen profession. So, our (apprimxtaley 8 or 9 year old) washing machine has increasingly been stopping mid-cycle. Basically, for no obvious reason, the lid got bent, and so the contact that tells the machine the lid is closed and it's okay to start spinning all the water out was regularly not engaging.

So I started feeling around in the works, and the craptastic plastic assembly literally started crumbling in my hands, out of sight. I pulled half a dozen pieces of plastic crap out, never again to be properly reassembled. I avoided dropping any of them in the washer full of water (clearly shown in the picture.) Oh, and I got lightly electrocuted.

Enter J's genius. And her small hands. She started feeling around, and determined it was basically a single crappy connection, and hypothesized (which fancyschmancy scientists do) that all we needed to do was pull it out, twist it together, tape it up, and stuff it back in.

I took this one level further easier, and proposed we just twist and tape it above the hole.


Which we did.

And it works a charm!


Non-sequitur #1: Grilling peaches, pineapple, and.... I can't really tell for sure.

Grilling peaches, pineapple, and pears!

No, those aren't vegan organic hand grenades. They're eggplants studded with rough-cut garlic and then baked, which infuses them in a truly extraordinary way to make baba ghanoush. Another shining example of "J is a genius."

Eating healthy. WOOT.

Drinking creatively, even if not, ummm, healthy. Friends and I did three all-grain batches yesterday, which was honeslty too ambituous, but I'd already smacked the yeast smack packs, so we'd have lost almost $8 if we didn't brew the third batch.

From left, that's a bourbon oaked imperial stout, then a spiced pumpkin strong-ish (7.7% ABV) ale, and a witbier.

I made an outstanding decision and didn't drive home after a long day of Rule #1.

Okay, need to ride to the library and drop off donations for Friends of the Library, then think about dinner. It'll definitely involve onions (I bought a ten pound bag today) and spinach (I bought 2 pounds of organic spinach.) Mission: cookbook shelf!

Another fundraising pitch

[apologies for cross-posting if you already received this via e-mail!]

Hello friends and family,

So, here's the thing: I really hate asking for money. Seriously.

And since I mostly don't do social media, it's hard to reach out semi-anonymously. (Though I'm going to blog this well... again.)

I'm going to ask anyway, and if you can give even $5 or $10 (or more!) that would be fantastic. And if not, and I know many of you don't have a lot of money to give, no problem at all.

I'd like you to consider donating to the Wapiyapi Classic, a 50 and 25 mile bike ride that J and I will both be riding later this month in Colorado. You can donate by going to this page and typing in my name at the top. My mom made a really extraordinary donation, so I have easily met my fundraising goal, but this is really a great cause that I'd like you to consider.

As you might recall, I rode last year's Courage Classic in memory of J's best friend from medical school, Gretchen Life. Gretchen and her husband died in a boating accident on Lake Ponchartrain shortly after Hurricane Katrina. I blogged about it, and that post explains a lot of the background of why this ride, and the Courage Classic, are so important to me. Please check it out.

The Courage Classic was an amazing experience: summiting Colorado mountains with Richard, Gretchen's dad. Patients from Children's Hospital waved us out at the start, and into the finish line. And gave great high-fives. Literally dozens of times throughout the weekend, I was struck by how important Gretchen's loves, children and pediatric medicine, were.

The Wapiyapi Classic is a little different, but very much in the same vein. 100% of the proceeds from the ride benefit Camp Wapiyapi:

Wapiyapi is a Colorado based nonprofit organization that offers a community of hope and support to families affected by childhood cancer. Wapiyapi hosts free summer camps and year-round family retreats to provide a respite for children with cancer and their families.

Gretchen volunteered at Camp Wapiyapi, and changed the lives of children living with cancer, and their families. J and I are doing this ride as a small part of trying to help carry on this beautiful mission.

Please consider donating. And if you have already, or even if you can't this time around but made it this far: THANK YOU!

I hope you are well, and happy, and excited, and challenged. If we haven't been in touch recently: please, let's change that!

Love,
d

Motorized ice chests: Part II

Turns out that motorized ice chests, previously given only cursory mention in this blog, can have a useful application:


Unfortunately, it can also have unfortunate consequences: a DUI ticket. And not just in Australia.

So think carefully about where and how you'll operate it before spending between $349 and $1,399 on a Cruzin Cooler.

Leaving New York, yeah...

Yep, evacuating. Seems like a good call. Delta gave one freebie change, and I booked direct to ATL, totally spacing that I could have gone to CT/VT to join J and out niece and nephew to camp and hike.

Detailed photos of the WALK IN to JFK coming soon!

MoMA

Much Madness. Ok, neat museum, it was free for me, but it's a horrific visitor experience. It's jam packed with people taking pictures of random shit, who have no ability or willingness to share space courteously and/intelligently.

At least I took a picture of something good.

Ok, so...

Tasters for a buck. Ok. But tasters for a buck that come in a tiny portion cup? Not ok. J Ryan's: you saddened me.

OK:

Syracuse has its charms. The Erie Canal Museum is actually excellent. Small, but well done.

And right across the street is  J Ryan's , and excellent beer bar with a lovely outdoor patio. Sure, the interstate looms overhead, but it's pretty cool to drink a beer on what literally used to be the Erie Canal.

All the better that that beer is a $4 cask Middle Ages Druid Fluid Barleywine. Say whaaaat? Better get my cheap beer in before I get to NYC tomorrow.

 Middle Ages Druid Fluid Barleywine 

vegan food porn, upstate New York style!

This is the Spicy Tofu Scramble at Strong Hearts Cafe, just down the street from my hotel in Syracuse. The scramble was good, not amazing, the toast came out dry (but fortunately they have a cruet of olive oil handy), and the coffee bordered on bad. I think it was instant: it had that consistency weirdness going on, and lots of semi-tasteless sludge at the bottom. But I'll absolutely return: $6 for a tofu scramble? Cheap, good enough, and I like to support 100% vegan restaurants.

Wow, Syracuse is... kinda boring. I'm actually struggling to fill up the one full day I have here. I think I'm going to go over to the Erie Canal Museum. Yeah. Like, for real.

Fortunately central New York has a pretty solid regional beer scene, so drinking is a real option.

I visited "The 'Cuse" a number of times in the late 90s and early 00s, since E2 went to school here, but we always had a little routine of places to go, and I never had to much think about how to pass a day. Sometime today I'll probably hit up an old favorite, Empire Brewing. Had a nice vegan sandwich last night at Sparky Town, which had RIDICULOUSLY nice people working there. Actually, on balance, the average central New Yorker resident seems to be quite nice.

Tomorrow is a court hearing (not appearance) in a SYR suburb, then flying to JFK.

Vegas airport, redux

Ok, the  Las Vegas airport still sucks, but I have to be fair and update a couple things. The shitty annoying airtrain is only necessary if you're going to D terminal. It's still stupid.

The food options throughout D still suck, but there are two known vegan options: the Baja Fresh Express, and for almost double the price for about half the food, the vegan wrap at Burke in the Box.

The beer is still wildly overpriced, but they do sell it in bigass mugs.

It's oddly slow in the airport tonight. Guess Thursdays when it's 103 aren't big.

Walking out of airports: Vegas edition, baby!

My feelings about the  Las Vegas airport are known, but no airport is too terrible to walk out of , right?

Well, there might be a better way here, but I just walked to the "Zero Level" (fancy code for ground level) of the parking deck, then across the employee parking lot, through a drainage ditch, over a low wall, across a busy road, over another low wall, across another busy road, and BAM: I was on Russell Road heading east toward Maryland Parkway (which, conveniently, is the road UNLV is on.)

The bulk of the walk was quite pleasant, in the high 90s with intense sun.

I'm thinking about other routes for my return walk this evening.

vegan food porn, grill style

So, here's the thing: in condos in the City of Atlanta, you can't have propane grills (or any other open flame) on your balcony. And when you live in a complex with a ton of other units, using the community grills, no matter how well they're cleaned, just isn't that attractive for vegan grilling.

So we finally buckled down, and bought a small electric grill, this Meco 9300.

Naturally I was excited with the manufacturer's capacity demonstration:


I nevertheless went a slightly different route for the inaugural grilling, with fresh Georgia crookneck squash, tofu steaks, and Georgia banana peppers.


Then some fresh Georgia grilled corn, and tempeh.

Toward the end, I threw on some green onions and marinated artichoke hearts, and we made toast to go with it. Yum!

Airplanes, Peru, food porn, avocados

Pretty excellent comic that's relatively new to me: The Oatmeal. Check this one out for How commercial airplanes should be laid out.

And alright, Apple Juice definitely didn't find me, so it's time for some... wait... FOOD PORN, PERU STYLE!

Here's the summary: I ate pretty well, went through probably 5000-7000 calories in an average riding day, got almost no protein except quinoa, ate a literal shitton of avocados (sometimes three in a meal, sometimes ten per day.)

Peruvian food is... bland. Almost everything you see below required salt and pepper, at a minimum, to be added.

This is the special breakfast I got served three or four mornings at our hotel in Cusco, while my fellow trip members ate scrambled eggs that looked like yellow and white dish scrubbies. Yes, I shared. No, I didn't eat the honey.

The folks who cooked for us on the trip went out of their way to make me special vegan food. Yay! This was a lunchtime salad. Sometimes lunch occurred at 10am.

Breakfast. I told you I ate a lot of avocado, right?

Pizza! We went to this place at the foot of Macchu Picchu twice, and, uhhhh, I got some avocado. I was particularly hungry at this meal: this was when we hiked up Macchu Picchu, and Huayna Picchu, and then A6 (I think he's A6) and I hiked back down on the road with about a million switchbacks, rather than do another set of endless stairs.

Bland food, but you do see a lot of beautiful salad presentations in Peru. This is at the same pizza place as in the previous shot.


Ummmmm, how about more avocado, and more salad?

Okay, how about more salad. And more avocado.

Need more avocado, and more salad?

Fine, sure: more avocado. Good thing I love avocado so damn much.

Most of the coffee in Peru is, in a word, dreadful. I drank a ton of instant, made ultra-strong just to make it drinkable. The brewed coffee in hotels and restaurants was usually thin, bitter, insipid crap.


I drank a decent amount of beer, too. This is Cusquena, the beer that had floating around under the seat in the van for a week, that we drank while driving back from our last day of biking. It was pretty bad. It did provide for one highly amusing (for some) moment: in my rush to toast, I foamed beer all over the trip leader, and A6. They were... not amused. But everyone else was.

Lots of quinoa. Usually bland, usually with bland, unseasoned tiny vegetables in it.

We went back to this place three times. No, it isn't that amazing, but the trip leader really liked it. And after an initial incident with mayonaise, they figured out how to serve me avocado vegan-style. We actually managed to empty their stock of avocados on at least one occasion.

This is a sandwich. Yep, really. This is at the Cusco airport restaurant, but it burned through through nine soles (about USD$3.25) and got some food in my stomach.

The lovely little hostel I stayed a couple nights at in Miraflores, Lima, The Gallery House, had a kitchen. So I ate some more avocado!

I mixed up the avocado with sauteed ONIONS! and asparagus.

WAAAAAAIT. You said you want a detail of ONIONS?!? You got it! Oh, and some garlic playing second fiddle.

It may not look super appetizing, but a terribly exciting find in the supermarket in Lima was dry protein chunks (essentially dehydrated seitan.) They were a little over USD$3, and got some much needed vegan protein into my diet.


On my last full day in Peru, I stayed at a basic but totally serviceable hotel near the airport called Hostal Victor, and took my own picnic dinner (and breakfast, and avocado sandwich for the flight the next day.)

Okay, enough food porn for now. Gotta get chugging on, uhhhhh.... other stuff.

More Peru food porn

This includes the juice from the  crazy orange juice machine I blogged about in the Lima airport. Looks pretty unlikely that Apple Jack is gonna find me, so I plan to put up more images soon from my mountain biking trip in Peru.